There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo.
Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone... When I cameback the entire area was missing.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Get up, you useless lump, get up!
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.
The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married. One should always be in love - that's the reason one should never marry.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alkaseltzer.
I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through thewindow.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said No, but I did get the license number.
You're just as sane as I am.
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?
And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There wasa gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was runningdown the street on a purple wooden horse.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
But there was another class of people, the real people. To this class they all belonged, and in it the great thing was to be elegant, generous, plucky, gay, to abandon oneself without a blush to every passion, and to laugh at everything else.
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Less.
Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.
Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.
Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.