I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone... When I cameback the entire area was missing.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through thewindow.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There wasa gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was runningdown the street on a purple wooden horse.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Less.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbonpaper.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
What a nice night for an evening.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, Go ahead, touch it...it feels real.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Twoparts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
A metaphor is like a simile.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?